Children Come First

Savage: When somebody writes me a letter and says, “X happened, I’m thinking I should leave.” My first response is always, “Do you have children?” That’s going to color my advice because I think the needs of children and the damage they may experience has to be factored in, and maybe you should suck it up for your kids.

Klein: The tension that’s emerged mostly since the 1950s is between doing what’s best for your kids versus your self-actualization. The therapy industry is partly culpable, as it talks out of both sides of its mouth; on the one hand, we say you should be true to yourself. On the other, we want every parent to be responsible and adult.

Savage: I get in trouble for saying it, but once you have kids, you can’t keep reinventing yourself. Constancy is a virtue that is under-discussed, undervalued, and a huge gift you give your children. Not that you can’t keep learning and growing. Not that you can’t change incrementally, but there’s no moving to India dragging your seven-year-old along. Your child’s sense of security in the world and in your relationship is more important.

The time for self-actualization and personal reinvention is over when you have children. You may continue to change gradually and self-improve, but dramatic change is irresponsible. Children need stability.